Ashley's Mindless Mindful Chatter

I think the last of my heart got ripped out. I feel actually paralyzed right now.
Trying to let it sink in that my beautiful dog was killed today.
Last night, I found her a new home. I felt I couldn’t provide her the love and attention she needed. She found a wonderful guy who has a little girl. I could tell they just fell in love right when they met. Stoli doesn’t usually get all kissy snuggly the second she meets someone. Especially a guy. Well when Paul showed up… That is exactly what happened.
Long story short… She escaped early this morning and bolted. He searched until late into the morning before collapsing from emotional and physical exhaustion.
She was found about 10-15 km from his house… By the road crews. Identified by her tag, collar and microchip only.
I think it’s safe to say we are both feeling with bleeding hearts that have been torn out. This is like a living nightmare.
I’ve had a dog die from old age… But this is hell. I’ve been crying the majority of the day. So has her puppy daddy…
I’m sorry that this happened Stoli. I hope you know I love you and so does our whole family and Paul’s family. You are a special girl who touched many hearts. Nobody wanted this for you. We only wanted you to be in a loving home. I just can’t believe it. This feels like a sick joke and I just want to die right now. That wouldn’t help anything but this hurts a lot.
I’m glad my kitty cat is still here. But it feels a little more lonely. I just love you and hope you know that. Hopefully you meet our family who has passed as well as mum’s close friend who had his prayer service for his funeral today.
You are so loved Princess Stoli.

Xoxo
Peace and love always,

Ash

Oh yeah…

I hope I can erase some of the memories at some point soon. i don’t like thinking about the past and remembering more and more things that just… really really sucked. why would I let myself cry over someone like that? I remember these things and I completely reaffirm why I changed things… But I find these thoughts and I don’t even know how it lasted for that long. I think I write in every post that I am not perfect… but I didn’t deserve that. Blahhh degrading…I guess I don’t want to erase the stuff. Just want to heal from it and remember the lessons this has taught me. I have definitely come a long way the past few months and it is just getting better as I regain my self worth and some confidence… 

Heard again from more people at work today that I am noticeably different since the split. So sad. Today one said “You were always outwardly happy but now it’s coming right out from the inside and everywhere” …. I’ll say it again - you never realize how far away you are from you until you come back. It’s like oh shit… I was in like… a whole other universe. Oh well.. Happy me is a good me. I’m not going to be sad   about what happened and that other universe but I’ll just be happy that I’m back in this one. 

Okay.. Peace & Love and night night sweet dreams,

Ash

So I wrote on fb on Saturday about this really charming mum I saw in Safeway. (not) She flat out told her child “Get away from that! It’s organic! We don’t eat anything healthy. We don’t eat healthy food ever”… I so pray this was a joke but after viewing the contents of their basket and that the roughly 3 year old daughter was holding a large slurpee sipping it down..I’m not so sure that it was a joke. 

It really saddens me… To be honest, I’m sure that some people have their thoughts on how I raise my son. However - I don’t really care how you raise yours EXCEPT for the following reasons. If you beat your child, physically, sexually, mentally abuse them keep them in an unsafe or filthy environment… and if you feed them shit food all the time. I don’t care if your kids ears are pierced, if their cut or uncut, if you give your son dolls to play with or your little girl monster trucks. I don’t care if they’re tummy sleepers or back sleepers or what music you play for them or if you give them screen time….. BUt oh my god I truly feel you are abusing your child if their food is 100% processed from a bag or box or frozen crap.

*I don’t feed Dimitri perfectly… Not by far - I think I only know one mom who does… and her name is Rain… she is amazing… Anyway - Dimitri gets his treats and all that. But the dude also loads up on fruit and veggie and would (Usually) take it over a cookie any day of the week. … Mmmm…. He might prefer dark chocolate over anything though. Or if I put it on noodles. So no. I’m not perfect, he isn’t either but we do our best nd have a nicely rounded diet though slowly cutting out certain things. 

Point of the story, I feel so sad that any parent would even suggest such a ridiculous thing to their child. The other day on twitter, Cardel Place (rec centre by my home) posted an article about parents blaming companies for their child’s unwillingness to eat healthy food. What a load of crap. Parents need to pull up their socks and just admit that they’ve fed their kids too much crap. The onus is ON US as parents. Example…I went for lunch with my friend Rain & her son when they were in town… Her son did not even know what bread was. He loves the healthiest super foods and fermented foods and raw chocolate that Rain makes. The kid is amazing! 

How can you say your child will never eat his veggies if you always gave in and offered sweets or KD instead of the proper meal? It is the example you set by what you eat and how you behave. These actions will effect the choices your kids make down the road. We get one body we should be taking care of it. Teachers have mentioned and I have noticed that you will typically go back to the way you were raised with your food. I know this to be true for many people. Even after a visit with the other parent… you always go back needing something healthy to truly nourish your body. Food is so much more than just the calorie count. Don’t abuse yourself! 

I wish that nutrition was actually taught in school… and I don’t mean this bogus crap they call “foods”. Real nutrition.. by someone who cares… *sigh. Then we would have a chance for the parents who don’t know how to eat. Best wishes and best of luck to finding the truth in food.

Sooo… What else. I’m two days from taking possession of the new home. I keep finding more things I have to do around here. I feel a little scared about it. Maybe I should be packing up the last of my stuff instead of blogging? Oh well.. I still have phone calls to make about moving. I find myself with weird motivation bursts then I have moments I feel like I couldn’t do a thing if I tried. Again… I must remind myself of the goal and that I am moving closer and closer. This chapter is going to close in a couple days and then I’m ready to move on. It’s all good. I need to write my to do lists… and I need go buy the other couch I need… *sigh. Was talking with a former co worker the other day about how being a single mum is a lot easier than being with a partner who wasn’t supportive or loving…. However I do wish I had some help these last few days before the move. I am sure I’ll get it all ready and things will move smooth as ever… I always seem to pull it together just beautifully. Sometimes I really amaze myself. Well… I’m ready for this ultimate test!!

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I thank you to the kind folks to messaged me. It was very sweet. I cant even explain how much that meant to me. The one person you would think would have mentioned when I saw him… didn’t. It was weird but sad… and I don’t actually know why it surprised me or even upset me. That is why I moved on… and I mean… It’s not just MD its birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, christmas…. so that’s pretty sad. Not about gifts but nice to be acknowledged by someone who claimed to love you so much. But again… That’s one of the many reasons it was just time to go. We all deserve to be loved and valued… to be special to someone special.  No matter how someone makes you feel, an ex, a current spouse, sisters, brothers, parents, friends or coworkers… You are special and valuable and I am glad that you’re around to share your story and contribute to this fun world. All of us together is what makes it so great! 

Thank you again to everyone who contributed to the Mother’s Day walk & Run… see my photos on instagram @aeroash28 I am excited to say I will be training to run the 10k race next year. It was great doing the 5k walk but I just wanted to run my heart out and I will be ready next year!

I think for now I will just go ask the universe for some strength to make it through the next few days. I can’t wait to be settled. I don’t want to feel all up and down anymore. Really happy to stick with the UP UP UP only.

Peace and love always,

Ash

shialabeowulf:

(via siriuslymeg)

Though my voice has mostly returned today I remembered another thought I had last night.
Listen to your words and inner thoughts! Allow them to serve you to their highest potential. To help you reach your potential. Yesterday at work in a sales 101 meeting. The leader said the best thing you can do is listen. I think this is for any situation. I know I talk too much sometimes and not enough at others but I’m trying to find the proper balance. Silence is a good thing for us and important for our relationships and for our personal growth. Nice to be voiceless and be forced to listen.
I look forward to next week when my mind will start to silence a bit after I move. Things are getting noisier in there whole quieting down in other ways. I am so grateful that the rest and relaxation are coming right away!! I know I’m overdue.

Have a beautiful evening. Fill your ears with the sweet sound of silence.

Peace & love always,

Ash

At least this is in the literal sense and not the metaphorical sense… I have been slowly losing my voice since Sunday night. As this happens and I am reduced to a mere whisper I am thinking…. This is the perfect opportunity to listen to my peers and to my thoughts. I think sometimes I talk too much and I am sure there’s a few out there that would agree. Ha! I’m sorry if I talk too much and you have full rights to tell me to shut up.

The first message I’ve received is… I seriously need to start taking care of myself. I have been feeling this sickness for days and yet, I’m not resting and I am still running .. packing.. staying up too late… working too late. I am pretty sure that if I don’t take a day to rest and go to bed on time, I might not be prepared to move next week.

If I want to do my best for others, I have to do my best for myself so I can actually do all of the things I set out to achieve personally and professionally. I’m sorry if I’ve let you down and I am sorry I’ve let myself down. I could have been feeling fine today if I took the proper steps a couple days ago. Well… Lesson learned (I hope.)…… I do tend to promise to take better care but then I don’t. Let’s see if it sticks this time. The lessons we don’t learn, we are bound to repeat forever. I guess in some weird way I like to push myself to my full limits and beat myself into the ground just for the challenge…

If I take care tonight, I will be ready to go to the gym tomorrow again and continue packing up the last little things… It is just after 9 and I am having trouble staying awake for the last few hours.

Mother’s day is coming up on Sunday - I am so sad.. I think my mum tries to leave the country every mother’s day!! I posted last year about how amazing she is…. I don’t think I need to go on but I will say that I have one of the most kind hearted sweet inspiring ladies on earth as my mum. She is definitely something special. I’m so proud I can call her my mum. 

Thank you to everyone who donated to me in the Mother’s Day Walk & Run… I am so excited to participate on Sunday. As promised, we will be getting our zombie on. Oh yeah! Dimitri will be a little zombie too. I’m pretty excited. A 5K walk… Will be great. 

It’s so nice to get out. Staying stuck inside is so not nice. I have been feeling so much better at work since I started making sure I got out at lunch… even fore 5-10 minutes. Though I’ve been trying for 30-40 minutes outside at lunch. 

I am 1 week away from moving… I can’t believe it. I have been so longing for this and being as patient as I could. It’s finally happening. Weird to move on from my current home but I am so happy to be moving on. I finally get that fresh start. I looked today for the preliminary walk through of the home… Though there are a couple things still not finished the house is absolutely perfect. I see everything in the house and how beautifully it will come together. I’m so excited. New life. New opportunity. New learning. Leaving behind old mistakes… Just like hitting the reset button. #gratitude !!!

Thanks for taking time to read my blogs. I want you to know that I’m truly honoured that you feel that I have something meaningful to say. I love you.

Lets all strive to do our best in everything we do. We are the best us. We may be better tomorrow but taking the steps to improvement is what counts.

Peace & Love always,

Ash

I don’t believe in coincidences. Not in the least little bit.

Well it’s official. I’m moving in 10 days … Ok Possession in 10 and moving in 11. Lets not get all technical. I feel so glad about how this busy weekend turned out. I feel about a billion times more ready.

It was nice to have a full weekend off to get a lot accomplished. I packed up Dimitri’s room on Saturday. It is looking pretty bare. Really weird actually. He has a bed, an iPod and a lamp. woohoo. His room always looks perfect so I felt a bit weird about this. I also bought new dishes and glasses to move to the new place. I got rid of my couch to some dear friends who needed it badly after their room mate got rid of the furniture in the house. The couch doesn’t fit in my new place anyway so it works out PERFECTLY!

All of the pictures are wrapped up and most of the fiddly shit is packed too. It’s all happening! It’s been a hard wait but I’m so thankful it’s over and things seem to be falling together with ease.

I brought some stuff to goodwill yesterday and there was a sweet little old lady struggling with her bags. I asked if she was bringing them in. She told me she was but one was heavy. I told her it was more reason for me to bring it for her. She was happy and it was nice to help her out. Though I think I’m a nice person I wonder if I do enough nice things for people.. SO I’m going to work on that. I might be off my rocker thinking I don’t do enough nice for people. That’s okay though, it never hurts to do a bit more. This is how we will advance ourselves and our society. Moving a step closer to peace… to understanding.

I honestly in the deepest depths of my heart and soul believe that people are good but have been hurt and may have forgotten how to be kind and loving. We can relearn this if we are treated with respect and love and understanding…

Today on FB I saw a post and I shared it about the difference between successful and unsuccessful people. I started thinking about my business coach and friend… He has this idea called living above the line… I try to hold myself up to this and sometimes I get funky and I just don’t manage it. But I try to pull myself back and get up and stay over that line… Here’s how it works.

Ownership

Accountability

Responsibility

————————————

Blame

Excuses

Denial

Love this. It is some of the most valuable information I’ve received and I like to hold it close to my heart. Too many live below the line and deny the fact that they have made any mistake however slight it may be. At work, at home, at school, with friends. But we’re only human - We are bound to make mistakes and bound to judge. You’ll come out on top by owning it and not pushing it on someone else. I strive to live above the line at least 90% of the time. I even think about the divorce I am going through and I know that I have to be accountable for some of the things too. I allowed the behaviour to continue as it did, I pushed him away a lot as I felt more and more rejected. Instead of talking about it, my disgust and dislike grew… I didn’t stand up for myself until the end. I still know that I made the right choice and that we were so far past fixing. I knew it for a long time… a year… two years… since before marriage (if i’m truly honest with myself) (Side note… In my pregnancy dreams, I always saw myself walking alone with a child… I never saw him with me…) I worked hard and the talking I did do didn’t see change until the end when I was firm and honest.

Anyway - That is not what I was intending to say… But embrace the fact that you are a human and are prone to mistakes. People will value you and respect you so much more if you can just admit that something is wrong and it is your doing… Not intentional of course but an honest mistake. These things happen and if you learn from them, it’s a wonderful experience for everyone. Learn and own it. As many mistakes we may have made, we have so many successes and we can celebrate both.

Well - I actually think I’m out of things to say. I hope that in reading my posts people don’t think that I am preaching that I am perfect and telling you how to be. I am SO far from perfect its crazy. I love diversity and I’m glad that we all think differently and love differently and in our ways we are all reaching for the same goals in our way. If everyone is going to the same destination though maybe on their own path, we are working in the right direction.

I love you and I hope you love you!

Peace and love always,

Ash